The Literal State Of Dreaming

I never expected it. that when i accidentally slept, it would be this kind of feeling i get when i wake up. they say that dreams only last 7 seconds, but to me it feels like a life time. a life time of happiness. it was all too beautiful, like a movie. and that's why its sad. its only fairy tale. and that fairy tale remains a memory.

you were here, and i was a fan. and for some reason, you keep appearing wherever i go. i couldn't remember why, but you we're there. and among all your handsome, perfect friends, you we're the only one in my eyes. i held a little kid and bring it to you. we played with kids together. you said it once, that you loved kids and you weren't lying when you said it. after time passed, i felt the heavy guilt of not bringing you to a dance show here in our local city, since dancing is what you're most passionate about. i went to you and sat on the floor, my hands placed on your thighs like we've known each other forever. i asked you am i the best friend you have ever had here? you said of course. then i began to explain to you how i felt and how i didn't know what kind of dance show you want to watch, what genre, should it be traditional or contemporary pop? but then we just ended up taking selcas with each other and laugh it off.

then something went wrong, it was all a blur and we just stopped seeing each other. i went to my house and for some reason, you we're suppose to be there. my mom complimented him when they saw us in front of her, i don't even know why but that made me happy. she was trying to ease the tension in air. i told you that i don't want to talk about how i still didn't get a chance to bring you to that dance show, or how we fought. i just wanted to tell you i had the best time of my life with you, and gave you a sweater to be reminded of. a black sweater is all i remembered. you took it and without any other word, smiled and me and said your goodbye, popped onto your bike and went off.

i was so upset because you didn't feel the same emotions that i felt. frustrated. sadness. heartbroken. and so i waited. and waited. then i saw it, you at a close distance. is it wrong, to be happy seeing you tearing up? you ran towards me and we hugged. you embraced me and i just couldn't help but to cry in your arms. we both cried. we cried because we know we weren't meant to be. this us, will never happen. no matter what insane possibility that is bound to happen in this world, i, and you, will never rejoice.

then suddenly you took me on your bike, and we rode off. you shyly told me you want to go on another, whatever this is. i don't know why but i had a gut feeling that its going to change. that we can be together, and we just stride off. in a china-like village environment, into the sunlight, with me behind you, holding you tight, while you're wearing the black sweater given by yours truly.


simple, yet the best dream i have ever had. it was romantic, confusing, sorrowful and touching all at once. and i would kill to have that dream repeated all over again.

Reflection

Things just fall apart. without a warning, without any physical sign. it just happens. and the worst part is, i don't feel anything. i don't feel upset, i don't feel happy. i just feel empty. and lost. i always feel lost, and i think its worse than feeling upset or depressed. i'm afraid. afraid that i'm becoming this person, that doesn't have any direction in life. i mean, i know that i am; i'm just not doing anything to avoid or fix the situation. maybe i'm just so used to failure or disappointments, that i became immune to it. and that is the saddest thing i have ever heard, even if it comes from my own perception.

i never stopped trying. not ever, in my whole life. i don't think others realize that, or they just don't care about my efforts. but i always try my best. i did, but at the same time i always doubt my capability. maybe if i have faith in myself a little bit more, everything would have been fine. but its too late for that. everything is settled and done. people are leaving. people gave up, thinking that there are other better things out there for them. if i'm a smart person, i would have done the same thing. but i'm staying. because i'm ready to suffer; i'm ready to set myself to the extreme, and challenge myself. i want to know how far i can go, and break down. whether Allah is leading me to the right path. and it doesn't matter if others did better than me; all it matters is myself. i have to learn to appreciate myself, love myself and believe in myself a lot more.


i'm a very repressed person. i don't like sharing how i feel with people. i think it has always been that way. because my guards are high; i don't trust people. i am afraid to open up to people, and let them in my life. i don't like sharing thoughts of how i feel, because i fear of what others would think of me. maybe that's why i'm bossy and act mean to people sometimes. because i feel like if i act that way, no one will be able to seek through me. to let my defenses down. to destroy me, and to crash the secret garden in my heart. its also because i feel like people just don't care about me, and the only person who understands me is myself. i care about people more than i care about myself. maybe people just don't notice that because i don't speak; i just keep it inside of me. but i'm going to try to improve that. i'm going to give people a chance. a chance to let people in.

Window

life in slow motion; how bitter that its motionless.
in the eyes of bees the tree stood by. calculation is x plus y.

is it so hard, to dream and let it be? the hardship of a helpless woman
searching for hope and meaning. to everything.
tired of hoping and holding on to belief; when in the end, fail is standing at the end.
its so hard for you to understand my friend.
you want to be prettier, and more intelligent;
you want the clothes and the shoes and the make up
you want to be noticed. you want to be loved.
you wanna be famous, you want to feel like a beauty queen,
let me get you a dollar of roses; and a box of tissue.
cause baby, all you'll drown yourself is in a sea of tears.


but you can't even cry; no, you can't even cry.
you just lay on your unmade bed, and stare at the side of your window;
looking at those birds, you wish you we're flying with them.
with no care in the world. just nowhere to go.
but you would do it. you want to; oh how you wish you were.
you want to be forgotten; its better off this way.

Lavender

"I love you Lavender"

And i knew the moment he said those 4 letter words, my life would change forever. and i don't know if it is in a good way or a bad way, but somehow it does not matter at all.

because at that very moment, nothing else really matters.

when it comes to him, nothing else really matters exactly. it was our moment, just me and him.
his eyes were looking into mine deeply, that electrifying feeling you get which only happens once in a life time.

oh heavens, how beautiful his eyes were.
L

Wonderlust

She sits on top of the roof, with a bottle of milk and chalky powder
her leather jacket and studded boots aren't enough to brush of the coldness
and its not even winter, its a hot summer day
but her soul feels vacant, and grief is what she suffers

Last night's love affair, is looking vulnerable again
is he thinking about me? the broad shoulders of a sincere man
the picture of his eyes, holding back tears flashes again
how much can we measure love? if i could, i don't think it would be enough
i want something more from you; without providing anything in return

Is it possible for us to love forever, because even i am hesitating
you are an every girl's childish dream; except for a stubborn girl like me
my world is filled with hopeless delusion, and i don't want to harm you

So go ahead and be free; find someone to embrace you
and leave me at this rooftop, full of ashes and dust.