Things just fall apart. without a warning, without any physical sign. it just happens. and the worst part is, i don't feel anything. i don't feel upset, i don't feel happy. i just feel empty. and lost. i always feel lost, and i think its worse than feeling upset or depressed. i'm afraid. afraid that i'm becoming this person, that doesn't have any direction in life. i mean, i know that i am; i'm just not doing anything to avoid or fix the situation. maybe i'm just so used to failure or disappointments, that i became immune to it. and that is the saddest thing i have ever heard, even if it comes from my own perception.
i never stopped trying. not ever, in my whole life. i don't think others realize that, or they just don't care about my efforts. but i always try my best. i did, but at the same time i always doubt my capability. maybe if i have faith in myself a little bit more, everything would have been fine. but its too late for that. everything is settled and done. people are leaving. people gave up, thinking that there are other better things out there for them. if i'm a smart person, i would have done the same thing. but i'm staying. because i'm ready to suffer; i'm ready to set myself to the extreme, and challenge myself. i want to know how far i can go, and break down. whether Allah is leading me to the right path. and it doesn't matter if others did better than me; all it matters is myself. i have to learn to appreciate myself, love myself and believe in myself a lot more.
i'm a very repressed person. i don't like sharing how i feel with people. i think it has always been that way. because my guards are high; i don't trust people. i am afraid to open up to people, and let them in my life. i don't like sharing thoughts of how i feel, because i fear of what others would think of me. maybe that's why i'm bossy and act mean to people sometimes. because i feel like if i act that way, no one will be able to seek through me. to let my defenses down. to destroy me, and to crash the secret garden in my heart. its also because i feel like people just don't care about me, and the only person who understands me is myself. i care about people more than i care about myself. maybe people just don't notice that because i don't speak; i just keep it inside of me. but i'm going to try to improve that. i'm going to give people a chance. a chance to let people in.